The goal of listening is to cultivate understanding. The goal of understanding between the parties to a mediation is to resolve their conflict. When we don’t understand why someone says something or does something or believes something, then sometimes conflict arises. The only way we can know what someone else perceives or believes is from what they tell us. It’s important to encourage that conversation to find out what another person perceives or believes, and not to make assumptions. Until we actually start communicating with each other––that is, listening to and speaking with one another––in a way that’s not superficial, we can’t understand each other. And that’s the ideal: to understand each other, to be more tolerant, more patient, more caring, less judgmental, less accusatory. So learning how to listen effectively is an essential step in coming to understand someone and, ultimately, to resolving whatever conflict has arisen.
To listen effectively is to listen actively. Active listening means treating with respect the person who is speaking. Active listening means listening calmly, with interest, patience, an open mind, and without imposing judgment. Active listening enables the listener to understand the speaker’s concerns and encourages communication between the parties.
Conflict can begin to be resolved only when the parties are sincere and respectful as they listen to one another. Through the course of the mediation, I encourage the parties not to interrupt each other, not to make assumptions, to concentrate on what the other person is saying. I do this by modeling that behavior for them and reminding them to communicate respect with their attention and body language.