Often, those who come to mediation are in a blaming frame of mind. Their thought processes go something like this: “if only so-and-so wasn’t so self-absorbed, conceited, know-it-all; if only he or she was more rational like I am and could see things my way; it’s all his or her fault, what I was doing or feeling was perfectly reasonable.” Does this sound familiar?
The problem with this is that when we approach a person with whom we have a dispute in a blaming, argumentative way, we are likely to be met with denial, defensiveness and accusation from the other party about who really is the rational person in the dispute. This will not result in greater understanding, improved communication, and resolution of the issue that brought you to mediation.
What I do in the mediation process is help the parties recognize their contribution to the dispute and assist them in finding ways to acknowledge their own responsibility in causing or continuing the dispute. I encourage them to be authentic and transparent. Once they take responsibility for their behavior, this can cause a break-through in the impasse. The parties can discover that there is room for movement, that there are positives to share, there can be a softening of attitudes, and an emphasis on what they have in common.